John Paxson. Kenny Williams. Jim Hendry. Jerry Angelo.

What do these 4 men have in common? Aside from being GM’s of Chicago sports teams? I’ll tell you what. They all suck. None of them are any good. Angelo is a moron when it comes to constructing the Bears. Kenny Williams thinks he can build a team to win it all while being cheap. John Paxson thinks the team he’s built can contend for a title. Jim Hendry likes to acquire garbage, and when he has a chance to get rid of that garbage for something useful, he either hangs on to the player and lets him walk, or he waits until his value is so low that all other teams offer him in return is garbage. Why can’t we have competent GM’s around here!!??

Last week it was announced that Bud Selig’s contract as commissioner of MLB was extended 3 years through the 2012 season. This move was done on the heals of Capitol Hill blasting Selig for allowing this steroids problem to develop on his watch. Selig likes to brag that baseball is in a golden era with record attendance and revenue figures. Got news for you, bud: Just like steroids got the players bigger, they got the game bigger too. You wallet was on roids too. Bud Selig makes about $15M a year, all thanks to the juice. Steroids brought MLB back to life after 1994 players strike. There’s a reason Selig did nothing: His wallet was growing.

Selig did nothing about steroids until Congress forced him to act after Jose Canseco’s book Juiced came out. Bud Selig wasn’t really interested in cleaning the game up. Despite the fact that he has been grilled by Congress, Selig sleeps easily at night, because at the end of the day, he takes him $15M a year, and he and JR do it in the ass.

Speaking of JR, in regards to Selig’s extension, this ensures that the Selig-JR tag team will be around through the 2012 season. This is bad news for Cubs fans. It all but ensures that Mark Cuban will not be the next owner of the Cubs. Because MLB is so corrupt, they are going to take John Canning’s bid no matter how high Cuban’s bid is. The only hope Cuban wins is if there is a lawsuit. Before Selig was extended, there was hope that the sale would drag beyond 2009 when Selig would hack off and the new commissioner would come in and tell JR to fuck off, he only gets his one vote, but that is now gone with Selig extended. JR only has his power b/c he’s so tight with Selig.

Ladies and germs, please welcome John Canning as the new owner of the Chicago Cubs.

So with the recent news of the Detroit Tigers acquiring Miguel Cabrera AND the D-Train, Dontrelle Willis from the Florida Marlins, and the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim signing Torii Hunter in free agency, the White Sox have laid another major dud and continue to show they are a one-and-done deal. What’s going on here on the South Side?

Just 2 years ago they won a World Series title (Though I must say, that was not legit either, as the Sox only made the playoffs because Buerhle tried to kill Pronk. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.) and now they are bumbling around, coming off a 90-loss season.

Since the White Sox like to pick apart the flip-flops of Jay Mariotti, I think it’s time to return the favor, and pick out their flip-flops:

Didn’t Kenny Williams say after the Sox won the 2005 World Series that they wanted to win “two or three world championships”, reduce the Cubs to second status and take over the town and that you can’t win 2008 in 2006?

Then how about at the trade deadline in 2006 when they could have gotten Alfonso Soriano for Brandon McCarthy? I recall them saying that McCarthy was too big a part of their future, yet while the White Sox were stumbling and bumbling following Ozzie calling Jay Mariotti a fag, they refused to put McCarthy in the rotation while it was stinking up the joint. And then what did they do that off-season? They traded him to the Texas Rangers for scrubs.

Then how about when they signed Mark Buerhle and Jermaine Dye to contract extensions during 2007? Didn’t Kenny say that the Sox had a grand plan this off-season that included Cabrera and Hunter?

And then how about after this season: “Last year did not sit well with any of us. We’ll be damned if we’re going to go through that again. We will aggressively pursue a championship. We’re trying to win the 2008 championship. We were embarrassed last year.”

If by aggressively pursuing a title you mean re-signing a Dominican murderer, trading one of your best arms for the O-Cab and signing Scott Linebrink in free agency, okay Kenny. What happened to this Spiderman like video of Torii Hunter climbing the Chicago skyline and telling the whole world how badly you wanted him? What happened was the White Sox lowballed him.

And how about Miguel Cabrera, Ozzie’s “4th son.” Wasn’t Kenny Williams bragging about how it was a done deal and all that was left was to dot the i’s and cross the t’s? And what about that Venezuelan Motherfucking fag on his 4th son who he says has lost 30 pounds: “I think he is going to bring more leadership to the ballclub.” He said that in the present tense too. What’s going on here? They were just doing their best Cubs impression during the MacFAIL era: Say they’re after someone to keep PR, but not really interested in them.

And how about these remarks following the Tigers getting Cabrera and Willis: “All this has done is put the Tigers in a better position to contend with us. We certainly are not going to shy away from the challenge, especially knowing that no matter what your roster looks like on paper, it takes well-rounded teams in major-league baseball to compete for a championship.” Okay Ken. You are right that it takes a well-rounded team to compete and with this deal, the Tigers are pretty well-rounded. They have a true modern-day version of a Murderer’s Row lineup, with Granderson, Polanco, Sheffield, Ordonez, Cabrera, Rentaria, Pudge, Guillen, Inge, and the Frenchman Jacque Jones. They have kick-ass rotation with Bonderman, Verlander, Willis, and Kenny Rodgers. They got Todd Jones closing out games for them, and they will get Zumaya back at mid-season.

You think the White Sox are well rounded? LMAO!! Who do they have in their rotation other than Buerhle? They are kidding themselves if they think they can win with a bunch of kids. Ask the Cubs how that turned out. And what about the lineup? I thought they wanted to add speed and some guys who could put the ball in play? Their Thome-Konerko-Dye-Crede middle of the lineup is old, and can do nothing but swing for the fences.

At the rate Ozzie and Kenny are going, they’re the leading candidates to do a remake of Abbott and Costello. The Blizzard of Oz said the Sox were interested in Andruw Jones. Very interesting. His agent turns out to be Jerry Reinsdorf’s best friend, Scott Boras. The White Sox hate him so much that it is practically the organizations policy not to deal with anyone he represents, which means Joe Crede is going to be gone by the end of the 2008 season at the latest one way or another. Later on, Kenny Williams said: “He is not on our list.”

Then who is? Are you going to bring back Aaron Rowand, or is he just going to turn into a former legend? Will you pony up the dough? What are doing with that money that was supposedly earmarked for Hunter and Cabrera? If that money isn’t going to go into Rowand, then who is it going to? Does JR have a secret plan to spend it on his other team, the Bulls and get Kobe? Doubt it.

Kosuke Fukudome anyone? Get out of here. Since when are the White Sox going to win a bidding war? He’s going to sign with the Cubs if it turns into a Cubs-Sox bidding war. What will the White Sox do then? Go and cry that the Cubs are turning into the Yankees and Red Sox? Hey, White Sox, it’s called big-market team. You got the money, spend the money. The Cubs are playing by the rules. There is nothing that says they can’t do what they’re doing. Why don’t you do it too? You guys got the money. Baseball is flush in cash. Start spending it. You aren’t a small-market team. You play in the nation’s 3rd biggest city. You put 3 million asses in the seats. Start acting like it.

The White Sox are in for a long, slow, painful re-building process. “We were embarrassed last year.”

Guess what, Ken? You’re going to be even more embarrassed in 2008.

With Octoberquest complete and baseball’s playoffs underway, the new magic number for 8 teams is 11. The Cubs are one of those teams. I’m really feeling it this year. So many things have happened since 2003, I really feel it. The Red Sox broke their misery in 2004. The White Sox broke their misery in 2005, leaving the Cubs as the only miserable team in baseball. Furthermore, the White Sox beat us to it in our city. Top it off with the fact that our next biggest enemies following the White Sox, the Cardinals, won it all in 2006.

This year, with the Cubs making the playoffs, all 5 of my teams did good this year. My Buckeyes made it to the national title game in both football and basketball only to lose to Florida in both. The Bears made it to the Super Bowl, only to lose thanks to Grossman. The Bulls made the playoffs only to get bounced in the 2nd round by the Pistons. How much more suffering am I supposed to take?

A few ominous signs this year have also given me an optimistic look. In June, Sam Zell’s attempted to screw the Cubs by vetoing the deal for Jacque Jones because he didn’t want to put more debt on the new owners tab, when this would have taken $600,000 off. Ever since the Cubs failed to trade the Frenchman, he has been a big part of the playoff run. Until September, the Cubs had never won a game with me in attendance. That all changed on September 5th, when they finally won with me in attendance. Last week, San Diego Padres outfielder Milton Bradley got into an argument with an umpire. It led to a full-blown confrontation, with Padres manager Bud Black needing to restrain Bradley. In a very Cubs-esque moment, Bradley tore his ACL when his manager spun him to the ground in an attempt to restrain him. Another sign: The crew chief of that umpiring crew that angered Bradley was an old friend of the Cubs, Bruce Froemming, he who has been screwing the Cubs for 35 years and is retiring after this year. You see, ever since he became an umpire in 1972, he has been making life hell for the Cubs. He ruined Milt Pappas’ perfect game that year. Pappas had retired the first 26 batters, and had a 2-2 count on the 27th hitter. The next 2 pitches were extremely close, but Bruce called them both balls, ruining the perfect game. Ever since then, he has always made sure to make calls to screw the Cubs. Seeing him screw someone else, that is a sign.

I take all these events as a sign that the external forces are weakening and this is the year it’s gonna happen. Next year is here!! Go, Cubs, Go

Back in June, the Cubs had a deal in place to deal the Frenchman, Jacque Jones. Doing so would require the Cubs picking up $6.6 million of the remaining $7.2 million on his deal. Contrary to popular belief, the dick of a commish did not nix the deal, but rather temporary owner Sam Zell. His reasoning: He didn’t want to add more debt to the new owners tab. When this happened, I said to myself, what idiocy. If Jones is with the team, he’ll be on the tab for $7.2M. Trading him away would have taken $600,000 off the tab. It had to be a conspiracy, as Zell is a part-owner of the White Sox. Well ever since that deal was nixed, the Frenchman has been an integral part of the Cubs playoff run. Mr. Zell, thank you for refusing to remove $600,000 from the new owners tab. It was the best decision you ever made

1. Sell the team to Mark Cuban
2. Fire Jim Hendry
3. Get Jake Peavy
4. Get Adam Dunn
5. Get A-Rod
6. Get K-Rod
7. Get Johan
8. Get Eric Gagne
9. Get Joe Nathan
10. Get rid of Jacque Jones
11. Get rid of Cliff Floyd
12. Don’t sign pitchers with Wood and Prior Syndrome
13. Take down the tag team known as Bud Selig and Jerry Reinsdorf

With these 13 moves, I SMELL WORLD DOMINATION!!!

Lineup:

1. TheRiot (2B)
2. Lee (1B)
3. A-Rod (SS)
4. Dunn (RF)
5. Ramirez (3B)
6. Pie (CF)
7. Soriano (LF)
8. Soto (C)
9. Pitcher

Rotation:
Z
Johan
Peavy
The King of the Hill
Smardzija

Pen:
K-Rod
Marmol
Marshall
Dempster
Nathan
Howry
Wuertz
Gagne

Can you say 162-0!!?? MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

With three weeks left in the regular season, the race for October baseball is in dead heat. As of Sept. 4, no one is running away with their division. Many would expect that the closest division race would come from the league’s strongest, the AL Central. This is not the case: ironically, it is coming from the league’s weakest division, the NL Central.

This division race is one of the weakest in recent history. It rivals only the NL West race in 2005, when the winner, the San Diego Padres won only 82 games, and last year’s NL Central race when the St. Louis Cardinals won 83.

Right now, the Central is a three-team race between the Chicago Cubs, the Milwaukee Brewers and the Cardinals. All three teams are hovering around the .500 mark. It seems likely that for the third year in a row, there will be a playoff team barely over .500. All of this is happening while there are teams that will end up with a better record than the winner but at the end of the season, they will be playing golf while inferior teams compete for a title they have no claim to.

This has happened to the Philadelphia Phillies the past two years, and is likely to happen to them again. Even if they manage to win the wild card, whoever finishes second in that series is going to have a better record than the NL Central winner. Three years in a row now, someone is going to get shafted, and miss out on the playoffs because they didn’t win their division or the wild card, despite the fact they have a better record than a team that makes the playoffs.

Especially if the Phillies are the team that gets shafted this year, MLB needs to sit down and re-work their playoff system. You’re probably asking why I’m writing this now and not in two to three weeks when the season is over or the race is decided. I’m doing so because in the event the Cubs miss the playoffs, I don’t want to sound like a whiner or a sore loser. This is about the principles.

MLB needs to re-work the system and make it so that the best four records in each league make the playoffs, regardless of division. I realize that the NBA and NFL have the system set up so that winning a division grants a free pass into the playoffs. However, while their systems have their flaws and have the potential to shaft someone, in my 10 years of following the leagues, not even once has a deserved team been shafted because of the system. In my 10 years of following MLB, though, there have been more than a handful of cases where someone has. There are too many to list here.

The whole concept that winning a division should be an automatic pass into the playoffs is a joke. It makes no sense at all. The way MLB’s playoff system works is the three division winners and the second place teams with the best records make the playoffs in each league. So if you don’t win your division and you don’t have the best 2nd-place record in your league, you go home, even if you have a better record than someone who makes the playoffs. Case in point: the Phillies.

What MLB should do is continue to allow division winners to sell hats and shirts and raise a banner and everything, but if they don’t have a top-four record, they shouldn’t be in the playoffs. The NL Central is a joke, and seeing the winner in the playoffs is going to be an embarrassing site, whether it be my beloved Cubbies, the Brewers or the hated Cardinals. Whoever wins the division should decline their spot in the playoffs and give it to whoever comes in second place in the wild card, especially if it is the Phillies.

Last Friday, I was at the Cubs game. I saw more Hawkeye fans than I saw Cubs fans at the game. Not knowing why, I asked someone what was up with all the Hawkeye gear. He told me that they were going to be playing the Northern Illinois Huskies at Soldier Field on Saturday. I thought to myself, ok. That’s just dumb wearing your Hawkeye gear at a Cubs game. First of all, you should never cross sports gear and wear something from one team at another event, unless you’re in Chicago and going to the enemy ballpark and want to mask the fact you’re fan of the other team in town. Secondly, why would you wear your gear the day before the game and get it dirty? It makes no sense.

On to the game now. The Hawkeye fans were crazy the entire game. Starting up their gay LET’S GO HAWKS chants the entire game. Luckily, I was sitting next to an OSU fan so we started up on O-S-U chant. Of course, the gay Hawkeye drowned us out. On the train all weekend, Hawkeye fans kept gloating about how great they are. Get a grip Hawkeye fans: You guys aren’t that great. Your schedule is a joke. You miss BOTH Michigan and Ohio State. Quit acting like your program is so great, because guess what: It isn’t.

You fans act like us Ohio State fans. I got news for you: We can act that way b/c we are better than you. We may have gotten a beating from Florida, but hey, at least we made it to the title game. I never knew how bad Hawkeye fans were.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!!!????? The Brewers are handing the division to the Cubs and the Cubs don’t seem to want it. The last 2 weeks, the Brewers have gone 4-9. During that same time, the Cubs have gone 4-10, losing 1/2 game on the Brewers in the process. This slide shows how bad the Cubs suck. They have a prime opportunity to run away with the division, and continually blow it. They should be lucky they play in the NL Central. Any other division, and they would be dead meat.

Recently, Cubs manager Lou Piniella was asked if he would consider hitting his pitcher in the 8th spot, especially if it was one of his better hitting pitchers, Jason Marquis or Carlos Zambrano. Piniella said no, he would never do that because it be dis-respecting the hitter hitting in the 9th spot. Since when is it more important to respect someone than winning games?? Is Dusty in charge?? No. I don’t care for how things are, you do what’s best for the team. None of this crap like I’m not moving Sosa down because of his pride.

Fuck respect. Do what’s best for the team, and if that means putting the pitcher in the 8th spot, then do it. Tony LaRussa does it. Heck, he doesn’t even do it b/c the pitcher is a better hitter. He wants another guy on base when the lineup turns over and gets to his mashers, Pujols and Rolen. I’m sure Soriano would rather come up with someone on base, rather than the bases empty every time. Move an automatic out up in the lineup, mask the affect of the out. This is truly something Dusty would do.